In April of 2015, I was bored and decided to draft a letter to the mayor of Ardenham, who totally exists. I figured I'd be stupid and share it for the world to see. This is somehow what my imagination comes up with these days.
I regret to inform you that your cabbages have escaped their pen. We're not sure exactly how things went down, but we fear that the FFMA (Friendly Field Mice of America) may have had something to do with it. There are reports that their meetings have turned suspiciously dark as of late, with discussions about sloth, avocados, and the Council of Bad Children.
It is my recommendation that immediate action be taken to find the cabbages and put an end to the FFMA's potentially evil plans. To do this, we must enlist the help of Jared the Cabbage Slayer. If the cabbages don't want to be fenced in, then what right have they to exist in the first place? This discrimination against us will not stand.
Thank you, and may your coffee fields grow ever plentiful.
Ardenham Police Department
400 Splatter Rd
Crooked, QZ 43110
Thanks for your time.