You Love Me

To tell the truthful true, I've neglected from posting anything... obviously Christian on my blog. I've stated and implied before that I'm a Christian, but I've always stayed away from reviewing things like devotional diaries and intentionally never got around to typing up interesting points of theology. The reason for that is actually that I just... well... I don't want to turn people away. I want people to read my blog, and I don't want them to get some opinion that I'm a "religious person" or something. I hate religion, but what I actually believe doesn't affect impressions other people may get from what I write.

But tonight, I don't care.

Tonight I had a conversation with my mother, and because of it and a string of events afterward, I had one of the most unique and emotional nights of my entire life. It inspired me to compile this blog post, which is a list of quotes I typed myself over the course of the past short while. Looking back, for some reason this past week has somehow been one of the longest weeks of my life.

These are the ones explaining the depression I'm going through.

Hey guys, I need prayer. Recently my depression has pummeled me with full force, and it's just not fun. (Ya think?) I don't know what it is that causes it, but I'm always abnormally tired, unable and unwilling to focus on anything, extremely depressed, and overall just feeling terrible. I'm on a medication that helps for a very short time, and then seems to make it worse when it wears off. I feel like I really can't do anything at all, be it school or writing or whatever the heck else. Still don't know the cause, but I need a lot of prayer.

-- my Facebook writing group, 2/14/12

My ability to focus or work efficiently is hindered, but lusts and rage are not. A couple nights ago I finally flipped out at God. I know I've probably flipped out like this at him before, but it's not in my memory. Most people who get angry at God annoy me because I've always seen (obvious, at least to me) reason in what God did to them. But the reason I've always been mad at God -- though I'd never blown up this way -- is because of something I've NEVER been able to understand.

-- my Facebook writing group, 2/14/12

Suffering from an unusual depression. That's why I've been angry and snapping at people recently.

-- a writing forum, 2/14/12

Guys, I really do need lots of prayer. I've been meaning to ask you guys to pray for me for quite a while now, but I've never gathered the courage. You might be having a depression of your own and thinking, "He doesn't truly know what depression is like," (I've done so myself to other people before, shamefully) but that doesn't change anything. Something is hindering my ability to do the simplest things, and it's greatly hurting my relationship with God.
- - -
I don't know you guys a lot, not enough that I would truly call you friends, but you're fellow followers of Christ, and at least some of you have been through (or perhaps are going through now) something similar to what I'm going through. I don't even know what's wrong with me, but whatever the heck it is, God can provide a solution. I just don't know... when... or how...

-- an internet forum

But then, despite all the frustration this disorder or whatever has caused me, I had a deep and meaningful conversation with my mother tonight, and this is a little bit of the aftermath.

I love my parents. I love them so much. :')

-- Facebook status, 2/18/12

My mother and I are so vastly different. If not for the special connection between us, which is the fact that we've lived together for fifteen and a half years, we'd have nothing in common except a love for words and a love for Christ. If we went to the same church but weren't related, I doubt we'd ever even hold a whole conversation, because we're so different. But because we're connected as such, I love her as a mother and she loves me as a son, because that's what we are. And if it weren't for our vast differences, our all-too-rare meaningful conversations wouldn't be nearly as meaningful as they are.

I love my family. I would never let my blood family onto [this group], because I can truly be myself here and be a person I'm not in the real world, even around my closest real-world friends. But I love my brothers as true brothers and I love my parents as true parents, because even though we have our differences, we're a family. I true family. We have arguments, we have differing interests, my brothers sometimes seem to think that I haven't matured nearly as much as I have, but... we love each other. We've experienced life together. Both of my brothers have struggled with depression and lack of friends. Both of my brothers have struggled with motivation. Both my brothers have been physically weak for their age, no matter how hard they work. Both of my brothers have been ME, or at least a part of me. We're all extremely different, but we've all gone through similar ordeals. That; along with having lived together for fifteen and a half years, and having similar reading, gaming, and music interests; is what truly binds as together as brothers. 

If not for my family... my mother's impossibly frustrating discipline, my oldest brother's lectures, my middle brother's encouragement (and abuse), and my father's... I guess my father's approval... then I have no idea where on earth or hell I would be right now. Sometimes I hate who I am, but sometimes I just need to remember who I could have been if my family were someone else's family. 

I know God exists. The fact that I exist as who I am is proof enough to me that God exists. The fact that I have a genetically-connected family that truly loves me -- even my extended family on both sides is absolutely amazing -- is proof enough to me that God exists. The fact that my little idea for [a Facebook group] could inspire some of the initial members to start a writing group that turned into what [this group] is... is proof enough to me that God exists. 

I love my family. My physical family, you guys, and the Father who is the head of it all.

-- my Facebook writing group, 2/18/12

This entire blog post feels to me as if it has no meaning. Partway through I felt like just quitting, since it doesn't seem to have a point, and there's nobody would would want to read it, but there's at least One out there's going to read it and enjoy it, and that's reason enough to me to post it.

I guess the point might be that no matter how dark a shadow is, a simple minuscule of light can scare it away. I might be suffering from some sort of disorder that makes life impossibly hard. I might be struggling through an impossibly dark night. But I was handed a candle tonight, and the darkness just shrank away.

God is awesome. You know that? You can be going through the absolute worst in life, but He's always standing by with his stock of candles, ready to light your way. No matter what happens or what we've done, He's there, and He loves us anyway.